Waiting for Rejection

Why We May Hold On When Love Fades

Scrolling through social media and radio waves lately, I’ve been struck by a chorus of voices from women trapped in loveless relationships. They see the red flags waving, feel the disconnect in their own bones, yet they wait – for the final word, the official break-up, the push that sets them free.

I confess, this resonates with me. I, too, clung to a relationship beyond its expiry date, a prisoner of unspoken goodbyes. It’s tempting to write it off as a collective case of amnesia, where the signs become mere circus acts instead of urgent sirens. But it’s deeper, more nuanced than that.

Perhaps it’s the cultural echo of the “damsel in distress,” waiting for Prince Charming to break the spell. We learn, often subtly, that initiating action, especially in love, is a misstep. We toss hints like breadcrumbs instead of boldly claiming our desires. This unspoken rule has led many women to sit and wait for the decision to be made on their behalf – usually by patriarchy. If the man doesn’t take the first step to tell you to leave, then maybe hopefully waiting for your brothers/father to come and “rescue” you.

But it’s not just societal scripts. Sometimes, fear paints the exit door with invisible chains. Fear of judgment, of loneliness, of losing the familiar, even the fear of hurting the other person (a burden we often shoulder disproportionately). We cling to the wreckage, hoping against hope that maybe, just maybe, things will miraculously right themselves.

Then there’s love, that elusive, potent force. Letting go of someone you once loved, even if the love has morphed into resentment or apathy, is excruciating. We hold onto memories, promises, and the flicker of hope that rekindling the flame is possible.

There’s no one-size-fits-all answer. Each woman’s story is a tapestry woven with unique threads of cultural expectations, personal anxieties, and the complex tapestry of love and loss. But by starting this conversation, by sharing our vulnerabilities and exploring the tangled knot of reasons why we stay, we begin to unravel the silence and empower ourselves to claim the narratives of our own hearts.

This is just an invitation to delve deeper into this multifaceted issue. Let’s share our experiences. I only have questions, no answers!

What I Fear Most about Walking Alone

I couldn’t find my earphones this morning, so I missed my morning walk. I missed my morning walk because I failed to get myself to walk down the streets without my music playing loud. Loud enough to not hear the cat calling and the comments, but low enough to be aware of my surroundings. Comments not only from builders and gardeners, add bus drivers and other men driving to work in theirs cars. As if the things I have to consider before taking a walk are not enough. I have to consciously think about the time of day I decide to walk; it can’t be too early in the morning because it will be too dark; it can’t be way too later in the day, because it might just get dark before I get back home. I have to plan out which route to walk, it can’t be a less busy road, I may just get mugged as I walk, if not kidnapped or worse; it can’t be a way too busy road – the last time I did that a random driver thought it would be fun to drive into the opposite lane close to the foot path I was walking on and attempted to ‘tap’ my ass – he missed, but I didn’t walk that same route the next couple of days because I was still #shook.

I couldn’t find my earphones this morning, so I missed my morning walk. I missed my morning walk because my mind quickly rushed to my fourteen year old self. Fourteen and walking in my neighborhood to a nearby kiosk. The only thing I was scared of was the viscous dog that we all knew in the hood, but I was glad the gate to that house was closed and locked. Little did I know that the neighborhood had more to fear than just the dog. As I approached the kiosk, one of two ‘boys to men’ that were seated at a close by house started catcalling and shouted a random greeting. I ignored, to which they immediately started hailing insults. Was ignoring my only crime that I had committed, and enough to warranty insults? All the same I decided to ignore that too, but as I was walking back home I noticed that they had started following me. At this moment I wished the gate to the house with the viscous dog was not locked. At least we would either all be chased by the dog – I would have chosen the dog at this moment. As the two boys got closer to me, one of them started tapping my shoulder then eventually grabbed my arm. Reflex action and defense mode led me straight into slapping him and immediately running away. I do not want to imagine what could have happened if those two people who were walking from the direction I was running to suddenly showed up around the corner. I never walked back to that kiosk again because I was #shook.

I couldn’t find my earphones this morning, so I missed my morning walk. I missed my morning walk because some men in my society feel entitled to women’s bodies, some men have no respect for women, and some just have no respect for themselves. I hate feeling unsafe when I walk certain paths knowing that even if anything against my will was to happen, those around me could easily ignore. I hate having to think twice before stepping out of the gate, knowing that I cannot enjoy the freedom to walk and enjoy the fresh air just because someone else out there feels that public spaces are not a place for women to be alone. An evening jog is a luxury only men possess.

I found my earphones during the day so I managed to take an end of day walk. I managed to block out most of the noise, but as you would obviously have it – hand gestures and facial expressions were the order of the day #sighs. Do you have any fears or experiences about walking alone?

Not a Zimbabwean study, but look at these stats;

Source – Cairn Info

Several studies done over the 1980s and 90s sought to explain the real origin of these fears. Direct experience of violence, or knowing a close friend or family member, co-worker, or neighbor who has been attacked, may increase the feeling of fear about certain situations or public places

(Gardner, 1990; Valentine, 1992a)

Come Dine With (Me) You

“Fonera baba vako uvabvunze kuti vanoda kudya nei manheru.” (call your dad and ask him what he wants to have for supper).

This was a daily call that had to be made every day. By the time he came back from work the food had to be ready, regardless of days that I had stayed late at work, or days that I had to attend to school functions at one of the children’s schools. If I didn’t make the call myself, one of the children made it on our way home after the daily school run.

It was my birthday that week and my best friend asked me out to dinner to a local restaurant of my choice. I could pick depending on what exactly I liked to eat. What I liked to eat? I don’t even remember the last time that question had been directed at me. Did I even know what I enjoyed eating, I didn’t even remember what I liked to eat before. My whole eating pattern was determined by the children or my partner – it was easier that way. The family comes first right? My needs can come after that. Are my needs really important though?

source – multibhashi.com

The thought of picking a favorite place to eat took me way back, back to growing up in a family where as children we were never asked what we felt like having for dinner, you ate what was there and what had been made. On a bad day you may have been told to leave it if it wasn’t something you liked. On a normal day I would be forced to finish all that was on my plate regardless of if I enjoyed eating it or not. Choice was never in the vocab. I had moved from that into this; same script different cast.

source – netclipart.com

This goes deeper, a favorite movie, a favorite place, just a favorite. It is easy to loose yourself as a person when you begin putting others before yourself. You tend to loose what makes you, you. After I had thought long and hard about where to eat with my best friend for my birthday, I responded – “You can pick a place, I do not mind”.

We look for answers outside ourselves.
Some women usually feel like they have to get permission from Daddy. Or Mommy. Or the stand-ins for those folks, like our partners or our boss. We run to “Honey, should I do this thing?” versus “Honey, there is this amazing thing I am longing to do – can you help me figure out how?” We have absolutely no training in how to source ourselves and our nearest and dearest from the clarity of our desire. It is time for us to enroll others in support of what it is we want, and to teach everyone in our world to conspire with us. – Linda Edgecombe

Periods in Pandemics

I woke up so confused, my body kinda felt weird. How they had explained it in the ‘girls only session’ was not what it felt like. Thinking back to it now, I am not sure if anyone could have actually explained how it would feel like. It was a school day and sooner or later I had to explain to my parents why I was taking so long to get ready for school. I took a bath and started psyching up to how I would be say it. I secretly hoped one of my parents would leave the bedroom so that I could have my mother alone, after all men were not supposed to know about periods right?

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  Source – https://cfey.org/2020/05/periods-dont-stop-for-pandemics/

noone left the bedroom and I also did not want to be late for school so I just had to break the news, ‘if I die I die’ kind of moment. I walked in and headed to my mum’s side of the bed and whispered ‘mama ndiri kubuda ropa’ (mum I am bleeding) and you can imagine what her next question was; not even in a whispering voice #palmface. I whispered again, I don’t even know why I was whispering because my dad had obviously heard already. After mentioning that I had been bleeding ‘down there’ my mum quickly got out of bed and brought some pads to my room.

As the years went by I found it embarrassing to walk into a shop and only purchase pads, it was a constant reminder that no-one had to know that you were on your period. The other difficult bit was disposing off sanitary wear when at school or in public places. I was in boarding school at a mission school for form one and I remember we had a duty roaster to go and throw out the used sanitary for the whole hostel in the school incinerator; this was one of the worst duty days you could have, ever! Something that I found different and fascinating was how we all disposed our sanitary wear differently and also how different women used different sanitary products.

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  source – https://www.businessinsider.com/feminine-care-dtc-companies-are-booming-amid-coronavirus-2020-4?r=US&IR=T

My period was always irregular from then on, I also had no period pain or signs that my period was coming, it would just arrive. I could never estimate my days and on many occasions I would only discover when I went to the toilet that Aunty Rose had arrived. Whilst my friends called this lucky (which I appreciate that I was blessed) but what I lacked in period pain, I received in 7 days of heavy bleeding. I have managed to use the period tracker for a few years now which has helped with predictions but I won’t even talk how this is a real form of data harvesting by companies. The connection between my app and my social media platforms is also unbelievable. If I forget to log in my period, I begin to be shown more baby adverts on social media, lol.

My heavy bleeding has over the years made it a big stretch on the pocket every month when purchasing sanitary wear because it means I need more packets than average. Imagine life on days you cannot afford, or on days in this pandemic where women have lost their income during this pandemic. Somethings got to give in some instances; women will forgo sanitary wear for the upkeep of the family and choose food over pads. How are women that already could not afford sanitary wear doing in this period? They are once again led to using unconventional products which in turn result in negative health effects in the long run.

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  source – https://www.unfpa.org/news/nine-things-you-need-know-about-periods-and-pandemic

The World Menstrual Hygiene Day 2020 theme is ‘Periods in Pandemic’ and the idea behind choosing this theme is to highlight how the challenges faced by women during menstruation have worsened due to the ongoing pandemic. The main idea behind marking this day is to change the social stigma associated with menstruation. The date May 28 was chosen to observe the day because on an average the menstrual cycle for most women is 28 days and the menstruation period for most women is for five days. Hence, the date was kept as 28/5.

What challenges have you been facing during your menstruation both before and during the pandemic? What challenges do you face with your period in general?

When will you have a baby?

What if we don’t want children?

What if we are having problems conceiving?

Maybe I can’t have children!

What if we can’t afford children right now?

What if I have been having a number of miscarriages?

Maybe we just lost a baby!

What if…just what if?

It was common culture practice for the aunties to ask newly weds if there is a problem once they are taking to long to announce that they are pregnant. In some cultures this question would be asked to the woman and the husband’s younger brother will be called in if there was a ‘problem’ with the husband and he would sort out the problem. It is said that sometimes the brother would never know that the children are not his. This was also done to protect the man’s ego (who wants to destroy a man’s ego right). So he would keep his ego, but for life raise children that are actually not his. At the same time this was also because in a way they blamed the woman for not having children. Having sexual intercourse with the husband’s brother would then be a way to prove that she is not the problem. We can all guess what would happen if she failed to get pregnant of the brother in law…the aunties would encourage the husband to get another wife because this one was not ‘functioning’. IN this day and age, everyone has become the aunties and people should just stop asking couples and singles when they will have children.

Source – loveyoumomma.com

First you are questioned on when you will get married, then when/if you do – the question on children comes. After you have one, then you are being questioned about when you will have another one. Well, even if you do not get married you are still asked when you will have a child and constantly reminded of how the biological clock is ticking. Enough with the questions though, can we just ask people how they are doing but most importantly if they are happy. Some are happy with no children. Some want to adopt and not necessarily have any of their own. Some are not ready. Okay, how about we just stay out of it, that would work out great for everyone.

Source – YouTube

 

10 variations of the question that should be banned

‘So when’s the baby coming along?’

‘Are we going to hear the pitter patter of tiny feet any time soon?’

‘Oooh, it’ll be babies next!’ ‘So, have you got any good news for us yet?’

‘You better start saving for nappies, right?’

‘I can’t wait for the grandchild to come along’

‘You’ll be excited to start a family now!’

‘Have you talked baby names yet?’

‘Are you trying for a baby yet?’

‘So, I take it you’ve stopped having sex with condoms now you’re married?’

Okay, the last one is sarcastic – but that might as well be what you ask seeing as any form of the question is blunt and completely personal. – Metro UK

 

My mother always said…

My mother always said…

Funny how these words always ring in your head when you are grown or growing, yet when they were said you likely never listened. My mother would also always say ‘uchazozviona kana wakura’ (you will experience it when you are grown)…now ndakuzvionera, lol (now I am experiencing it).

After having to share a space with other housemates I quickly remembered something my mum always said to us growing up. ‘When you leave the kitchen, make sure you have left it as if noone was in there’. She would always emphasize on not wanting to know that someone had been cooking in the kitchen because of the dirty dishes or the filth on the stove. As we mastered that art, it meant we could prepare breakfast number 2 and she would never know until she checks the stock.

Side track – I just remembered how we would bite my grandmother’s tomatoes every time we went to visit then leave them placed with the bitten part at the bottom, she would only notice when she was about to cook. God rest her soul, she always had the sweetest tomatoes.

I have had number of wise things said to me by different people over the years, but for the challenge I thought I would share this kitchen advice since it was something I was thinking about this week. My experience with living in shared spaces with other people has made me remember the importance of cleaning up after yourself,it is plain respectful. I am also learning tolerance from the same experience because at times I feel like chopping my fingers off because of the state of shared spaces when someone else leaves. You can tell who has taken a shower by the amount of water everywhere, lol.

This is not our kitchen. Image from chillichilli blog

 

What Not To Buy Her

This year having been a leap year it meant the men were really expectant – well for those that do subscribe to Valentines Day. Top of the ‘do not buy list‘ for most of my guy friends was socks. The gentlemen are tired of getting socks ladies, hahaha. Ties and cufflinks also ranked really high on that list.

Men are the most difficult to buy a gift for right? Since I do not know what men want, let me give hints on what women (not a homogeneous group so I am really generalizing here) do no want.

What not to buy your girlfriend for her birthday;

• Don’t buy the generic gifts – think about things she likes and loves. A thoughtful gift is much more special. Pay attention to her favorite color, places, scents and taste.
• Don’t buy something you cannot afford – if she is with you for the right reasons and if she is in your lane, you will not need to break the bank to please her. This is when personal gifts come handy, they do not have to cost the most. Besides, if you get her something you can not afford, you’re going to have to keep up that level.
• Don’t get her something that you want – remember it’s about her, not you. So as tempted as you are to buy something that you may also get to use, don’t do it.

What not to buy your mum for Mother’s day;

• Remember, no generic gifts. And also, do not buy her household items. I have figured that most people think ‘kitchen item’ when they think of gifts for their mum. Buy her something for her, not for the family or that you can also use. So unless she asks for specific cleaning equipment, a vacuum cleaner shouldn’t be on top of your list for mothers day

What not to buy your female colleague;

• Maybe you get along with your female colleague like that, great, that’s no problem at all. But if you decide to gift her for whatever occasion, avoid anything intimate unless you are trying to ‘shoot your shot’. So that means, no lingerie – just don’t do it. Not now, not never.
• Golden rule if you ever have to shop for a coworker of the opposite sex – Ask yourself if the gift is something you would let a child see, even if they would not enjoy the gift itself. If not, then it may not be appropriate to give to someone at work.

What not to buy your female friend;

• Once again, unless you are trying to shoot your shot then avoid any intimate gifts. So nothing that you would gift someone you are dating or pursuing. For example, flowers, chocolates, lingerie – I’m sure you get the picture.

What not to buy your ex girlfriend for any occasion;

• Why are you even thinking it if you are still placing the ‘ex’ before girlfriend? Unless you are trying to get her back, then everything is bad to get for an ex girlfriend.

source – behance.com

The ‘Perfect Storm’ for Violence

‘Ndotoshaya chandakaroorera’ (I ask my self why I married you)

‘Saka ndizvo zvamunoswera muchiita kana ndiri kubasa izvi?’ (So this is how you spend your day when I am at work?)

‘Waneta nekuenda kuchibhorani nekubika chete zuva rese?’ (You’re tired from going to the community borehole to fetch water and the cooking you did today only?).

These are some of the words I hear daily now. It’s hard to believe that this was someone that was once in love with me. There is always something that he complains about every day. When he can’t get his way to crush me mentally, he is sure to do it physically. I am also physically tired as added to taking care of the 3 children, he has become the fourth whilst he spends his time on the television or drinking alcohol whilst basking in the sun. This pandemic has not only brought anxiety of not being sure of what the future holds, but also a lot of pain and suffering from an abuser who I call a husband. Please do not ask me why I haven’t left…where will I go?

Did you know?

Victims of domestic violence are facing heightened risk during the Covid-19 crisis and some could be killed by violent partners.

Some women seeking to flee abusive and violent relationships since the pandemic began are now, in fact, being forced to spend more time with their abusers

India reported double the usual number of domestic abuse cases in the first week of nationwide movement restrictions, according to the country’s National Commission for Women.

Cases in France rose by a third in the week after the lockdown. While Australia reported a 75% increase in internet searches relating to support for domestic violence victims. (Source – RTE)

Early reports from China show at least a tripling of domestic violence. Cities across Europe and the U.K. are also reporting surges in domestic violence calls.

The United States is seeing a similar pattern. For example, in Seattle, one of the first U.S. cities to have a major outbreak, the police saw a 21% increase in domestic violence reports in March – (Source – The Conversation)

Add another public health crisis to the toll of the new coronavirus: Mounting data suggests that domestic abuse is acting like an opportunistic infection, flourishing in the conditions created by the pandemic.

Covid-19 has become the ‘perfect storm’ for violence. For many women, more time at home means more physical abuse from family members. For women who did not know they had married an abuser, the true picture is coming out now. For women who would find refuge with friends or family, now there is nowhere to go. For women that may have been ready to leave, now they have to endure another 21 days with the hope that they will make it out alive. Remind someone today that they do not have to wait it out, if they are unsafe, they can call for help and there are facilities available to assist women in need. Check on someone today.

 

Let it Go

Day 3, things you want to tell 5 different people. Hmmm, I will save my ex this one because a few days down from now along the challenge there is a letter waiting for you, lol.

I was listening to an old Bishop TD Jakes sermon titled ‘Let it go – Forgiveness‘ and he speaks on how forgiveness is a gift to self and also goes on to mention how most of us are still holding on to past hurts and applying them to our present relationships – not only love relationships but even work and friendships. So many of us may be afraid to invest in friendships because of how we were betrayed by a friend in the past. We can quickly dismiss friends that are trying to be close to us because we constantly remember how we were hurt before. It is okay to have your guard up, but failing to forgive is also what is leading to not wanting to build better relationships. This got me deliberately thinking of telling different people that I forgive them and what it is I forgive them for;

To my childhood friend; I was hurt when our relationship started drifting apart, there were times I expected you to be there for me but you were not and for so long I started expecting friends to not show up when I needed them to. I now understand that we grew apart, though letting it go was not easy.

To the stranger that groped me at a school dance; but how do you go around groping girls at a school dance though? You knew noone would believe me even if I reported it. I had already been made to believe that girls did not belong in that space right, so if things like this happened they deserved it. Well I did not deserve it, now I know that.

To my grade 6 teacher; For the longest time I carried that mark on my back from when you struck me across my back with your black stick – for whatever reason I still do not think that was justified. I met you when I was grown and working and it was at the point that I discovered that I was still holding on to the hurt from just how ‘mean’ you were as a teacher. You probably don’t remember it because it may just have been who you were as a person, but the scars remained for so long. I let it go.

To the not a friend that calls me friend; have you ever been ‘friends’ with someone whose actions just confirm that they may be your friend but you are definitely not your friend? You called me the other day and for the hour we spoke not once did you ask me how I was doing, it was all about you, it always is. The distance you may have been feeling lately, I am not that busy, I am just taking my space that I need.

Lastly, tables turned – To anyone I have wronged; I am not perfect either, as a friend, a workmate, a partner or in any relationship really and with that in mind I hope anyone reading this who I have offended (most times without knowing), I am sorry. To those I may have wronged knowingly, let’s talk about it (maybe I am not that sorry, ~laughs)

 

Side note – STOP GROPING GIRLS! just stop. Actually, let’s stop calling it groping, it’s sexual assault. Just stop it!

Grope /ɡrəʊp/ – fondle (someone) for sexual pleasure roughly or clumsily, or without the person’s consent

Dear mama, Thank you for leaving

Being the eldest of my siblings, I had lived through the different stages, I had seen how the toxic relationship had grown and transformed, not for the better though, but it had become more toxic. I now knew the routine, I knew how it would go from a ‘simple’ argument to things being thrown around and eventually to a physical fight which usually led to one person leaving the house for the day and sometimes even for the night. The person who usually left was my dad and what was sad about him leaving was we also knew where he was going, and my greatest fear was that one day he would not return. I remember my cousin being sent into the house to get a glass of water when my parents were just starting an argument outside, I begged her not to take that glass of water outside because I knew the intention was for it to be used as a weapon when the argument got heated. There were steps, there was a routine. We knew it, we were getting used to it but we could also do nothing about it.

Image from depositphotos.com

My mother’s friends always asked her why she was staying yet my father was so abusive. He was not just physically abusive but verbally too and to an extent financially. My mother had given up her career to have children and to take care of us, to build a home and to make sure we could later build our own. Many times I felt guilty because it was as if she was staying because of us. What she was not aware of was that staying hurt us more than it did good, staying damaged us more than it built us. Staying may have seemed like a better choice for the sake of the children but to us it was simply the worst decision they both could have made. What also came as a surprise to me is even when a family meeting was called, no one ever questioned my dad for being abusive, because to me, he was the one with the problem and not my mother. But what did we know, we were just children. Actually, wait a minute, as a matter of fact, we did know something, we knew that the violence was extending to us. We also knew that we were getting into more fights at school, we found that violence was our response to most matters.

Image source – insufferablecunt.wordpress.com

Finally, one day she gathered the guts to leave, I was picked up from school and the route we took was not to the house I knew. She had finally moved out and took us with her as they were sorting out the details of the separation. I felt a load had been lifted, felt as if her freedom was mine, her happiness was mine. But something I never told her was;

 

Dear mama,

Thank you for leaving. Thank you for leaving a situation that made you unhappy. Thank you for leaving a situation that made you forget who you were. Thank you for leaving a situation that made us unhappy, although you do not realize it; it made us more unhappy to see you unhappy. Thank you for the strength you showed through the difficulties. Thank you for the strength you showed in leaving a situation that was not good for you or those around you. Now I know it is okay to leave, now I know that leaving was never a sign of weakness.

yours truly

xxxx

Did you know?

• A child who is exposed to violence in the home also risks being abused and will, quite reasonably, fear for their own safety.
• Evidence shows that men’s use of violence and controlling behaviour towards an intimate partner often extends to physically punishing their children as a means of discipline. Importantly, research is now revealing that women who experience violence at the hands of a partner are more likely to use physical punishment to discipline their children. This further drives the cycle of intergenerational violence.
• The impact of experiencing or witnessing violence as a child has wide-ranging and long lasting effects. When a child experiences violence at home, they learn to tolerate violence. They are also at an increased risk of suffering from poor mental health, engaging in drug and alcohol abuse and risky sexual behaviours, and contracting HIV. They are also more at risk of behavioural problems such as aggression, delinquency and poor social functioning.
• Growing up in violent households affects a child’s sense of security, self worth and how they relate to other children.
• children who have experienced violence are more likely to lack empathy towards others. That means they’re more likely to perpetrate violence. It is this aspect of exposure to violence that drives its intergenerational transmission. This has a direct impact on their relationships with intimate partners, as well as their ability to be emotionally responsive parents. (Source – The Conversation)