Waiting(not) for Rejection: why men stay?

Following my previous blog post, “Waiting for Rejection,” some readers contested the opinion that remaining in loveless relationships is solely a female phenomenon. They pointed out that even men endure loveless unions long after love has left (cue Tuku’s song “Handiende“). Despite encountering what some may label as ‘Harare men,’ I struggle to accept this perspective wholeheartedly. Nevertheless, acknowledging that every situation has multiple angles, it’s only fair to explore why men choose to stay when love has departed long ago.

How often have we heard married men lament (verb: express regret or disappointment about something) about their marital dissatisfaction, only to see them celebrating the arrival of a newborn a few months later? “Of course I’m a Harare man, I will tell you that my wife and I don’t share the same bed but we will welcome a baby a few months later.” (laughs).

Through conversations, observations, and articles, here are some reasons men cite for staying:

Fear and the shame of being labeled a failure: Men often struggle with fear and the stigma of being deemed failures. They often believe they must fulfill provider and protector roles, viewing leaving a relationship as a shortfall in these duties. Nobody enters a relationship aiming for its demise, be it marriage or dating, especially as many my age date to marry. Many endure relationships longer than necessary due to reluctance to introduce someone new, driven by shame and societal pressures. It seems society isn’t only hard on women, but on men too.

Fear of the unknown: relationship experts suggest that the fear of the unknown strongly influences human behavior, including in relationships. Men may remain in unhappy relationships if they believe it’s their only option. If a man doubts his ability to find another woman, he may endure a painful and unhappy relationship due to loneliness and desperation. Sometimes, for men, familiarity with the current situation seems preferable to the uncertainties of change.

Divorce is expensive: from married individuals, I’ve often heard this concern echoed, especially among men. They fear that their partner might take what she hasn’t earned. (I’ve questioned what that implies, as if raising children and maintaining the household isn’t significant work, but that’s another topic). Research indicates that individuals with more assets and money to lose in a divorce are inclined to remain married, irrespective of their reported marital satisfaction.

We do it for the children: we hear this mostly from women, but apparently men too do the same. Dr. Lindsay Weisner explains that children of divorced parents may face increased risks like anxiety, depression, substance abuse, and academic challenges. It’s understandable how someone might choose to remain in an unhappy marriage rather than expose their child to vulnerability. However, research hasn’t definitively determined if it’s having two married parents or two actively involved adults that benefits a child’s mental and physical well-being.

Now, speaking as someone who’s not a relationship guru, has never been married, and definitely hasn’t walked in a man’s shoes in a past life, I’ve got this nagging question: why don’t unhappy men leave? I guess the difference here is women ideally wait for rejection, but men? I mean, men value their happiness, and selfishly so (I’m generalizing here). The reason he hasn’t left is because he doesn’t want to. No it isn’t the kids. He doesn’t want to leave. A man who is unhappy would leave making sure his kids have the support of both parents. Anything else? Just sounds like an excuse to me! What do you think?

Waiting for Rejection

Why We May Hold On When Love Fades

Scrolling through social media and radio waves lately, I’ve been struck by a chorus of voices from women trapped in loveless relationships. They see the red flags waving, feel the disconnect in their own bones, yet they wait – for the final word, the official break-up, the push that sets them free.

I confess, this resonates with me. I, too, clung to a relationship beyond its expiry date, a prisoner of unspoken goodbyes. It’s tempting to write it off as a collective case of amnesia, where the signs become mere circus acts instead of urgent sirens. But it’s deeper, more nuanced than that.

Perhaps it’s the cultural echo of the “damsel in distress,” waiting for Prince Charming to break the spell. We learn, often subtly, that initiating action, especially in love, is a misstep. We toss hints like breadcrumbs instead of boldly claiming our desires. This unspoken rule has led many women to sit and wait for the decision to be made on their behalf – usually by patriarchy. If the man doesn’t take the first step to tell you to leave, then maybe hopefully waiting for your brothers/father to come and “rescue” you.

But it’s not just societal scripts. Sometimes, fear paints the exit door with invisible chains. Fear of judgment, of loneliness, of losing the familiar, even the fear of hurting the other person (a burden we often shoulder disproportionately). We cling to the wreckage, hoping against hope that maybe, just maybe, things will miraculously right themselves.

Then there’s love, that elusive, potent force. Letting go of someone you once loved, even if the love has morphed into resentment or apathy, is excruciating. We hold onto memories, promises, and the flicker of hope that rekindling the flame is possible.

There’s no one-size-fits-all answer. Each woman’s story is a tapestry woven with unique threads of cultural expectations, personal anxieties, and the complex tapestry of love and loss. But by starting this conversation, by sharing our vulnerabilities and exploring the tangled knot of reasons why we stay, we begin to unravel the silence and empower ourselves to claim the narratives of our own hearts.

This is just an invitation to delve deeper into this multifaceted issue. Let’s share our experiences. I only have questions, no answers!

Please Don’t Ask Me That – FAQs

With how we have turned google into the ‘know it all’ I was curious to find out what the most frequently asked questions are on google. Most items on the list actually funny, well more surprising because they are things I actually have never asked. I am clearly asking the wrong questions.

The top 5 frequently asked questions on google are;

1. What is my ip – this is asked 3 350 000 times a month
2. What time is it – asked 1 830 000 times a month
3. How to register to vote – asked 1 220 000 times a month
4. How to tie a tie – asked 673 000 times a month (can you imagine how many people do not know how to tie a tie, hahaha)
5. Can you run it – asked 550 000 times a month.

This is not even an exhausted list, you can check out the rest here. Others that I found interesting were that 450 000 google searches are made each month asking ‘how many weeks there are in a year’. 135 000 searches to ask ‘why the sky is blue’ and 74 000 searches to ask ‘why is my poop green’. Aaahh, now I am wondering why you can poop green – let me kill that visual real quick and move on.

I came up with my top 5 questions that I am frequently asked;

1. Enter password (with the use of technology and having to log in ever so often, my password is by no doubt the ‘at least 6 letters, at least 1 digit, at least one of these symbols #,_,*’ question that I am most frequently asked).
2. Are you coming back to Zimbabwe? (I am asked this question almost every day, as a surprise it has overtaken question number 3 – I am not complaining, I am enjoying this season of rest from being asked this next one).
3. When are you getting married? (Aahhh, this question. I have stopped responding now though sometimes I just say ‘I also want to know because to be honest, I also do not know…#laughs)
4. Are you normal? (I am asked this question more often than not. I do not take offense though because I know that most of my opinions and thoughts are not regarded as the norm. As a matter of fact, I take that as a compliment. And FYI, sometimes I also ask myself that question. But then again, #Normal_is_boring).
5. Can you tell us about yourself? (You know this interview question should just be done away with. Actually the last interview I attended, they did not ask me that. I genuinely believe this is not an important interview question, but it is asked anyways. Confession – in my first even job interview after high school, I was asked this question and I gave a lot of information about my personal life. It went a little something like ~ “my name is Tinashe and I am 20 years old. I am the last born in a family of 3 and I live in Marlborough” ~ I will end there to save embarrassing myself further but I think you get the picture. Never the less, I got the job but that first question definitely didn’t do me justice).

Day 13 of the #lockdownblog challenge. Though I am technically on day 31 of lock down here, which has now also been extended to the 5th of May. This challenge has been a good destruction, and a good break from assignments. Anyone else thinking of how life after this season will literally not be the same? Imagine the world after covid-19…what comes to mind?