Homewrecker! What’s the first thing that comes to mind when you hear that word? It’s most likely that it describes a woman for most people. Why is it that when men cheat we find it easier to blame the “other” woman? Men have it easy right? He is married, goes out and approaches another woman, breaks his vows and everything else, but at the end of it all, no blame is on him. My country people will say “ndizvo zvinoita varume” (that’s how men behave). It’s also way easier to hate another woman than to hate the person you sleep next to right?
“Putting the blame on him makes you address uncomfortable questions, like ‘what if our marriage is a sham?’ ‘Maybe he’s not who I think he is?’ ‘Am I going to be alone the rest of my life?’” And, most of the time, if we’re lashing out at her, it’s because we plan to stay but need a place to put our anger, says psychologist Brandy Engler, Ph.D., author of The Men On My Couch. (And we know yelling at him will only jeopardize the relationship more.)
The worst part is knowing that men have mastered this about women. They know that even if he is caught red handed, his wife is likely to attack the other woman than him.
On the other hand, there is so much shame put on women when men cheat. Why is it women are made to feel like they are to blame for being cheated on? Women are made to feel as if it is their fault when relationships fail. In general, it seems that women are labeled as responsible for the quality of a relationship because they are seen as the upholders of them. Men’s cheating is covered up in society and families, (hanzi usafukura hapwa, ndiwe unonyara).
All this sounds so familiar as victim blaming is prevalent in many areas and cases. One is sexually assaulted and they are blamed because of what they were wearing, where the were, or how they played a role in luring the abuser. One is physically abused by their partner and they are blamed and asked what they did to make their partner angry. One is raped by their husband and they are blamed for denying him his conjugal rights in the first place. Victim blaming is an insidious form of abuse in and of itself.
Here are some common statements that indicate that others are blaming you for the abuse and betrayal, according to Betrayal Trauma Recovery.
“How have you contributed to your husbands infidelity?”
“If you make yourself more available, he wouldn’t need to act out.”
“If you take care of yourself a little more, he would be more interested.”
“You need to be a safe person so he won’t lie to you.”
“You should just forgive him and move on.”
“How can you ever stay with him after this?”
It’s safe to say that when a man cheats, he does so on his own accord. His wife or girlfriend doesn’t ask or force him to stray, but when he does, the woman is usually looked at as the guilty party. People want to know what she did to make him cheat, instead of figuring out what changed in him to make him want to stray. And although this is far from fair, or the truth, it happens. Often, women are blamed for the choices that men make when they break the contract of fidelity in marriage. The blame usually centers around such reasons as the following: the women were not interested in providing enough sex for the man, the women were never interested in pursuing the man, the woman had become sexually boring, the woman had let herself go physically, the woman had lost interest in the husband in general, or that the woman had become hyper-focused upon children or other interests. In other words, women are accused of not having enough sex, not giving their partners enough attention, or spending too much time taking care of their children when their partner cheats.
Munhukadzi 