Don’t Close the Door Behind you!!

Don’t close the door behind you!! A loud scream I let out as my daughter leaves the room. We’ve become used to shouting in this house. We shout because that’s what makes someone else hear us, right? My husband always speaks in a loud voice. It doesn’t matter who is at home with us. He doesn’t care if the neighbors can hear us. He just shouts.

He shouts about everything, big or small alike. Go open the gate! I told you I don’t like my eggs scrambled! You are nothing without me, that’s how I know you will not leave me! I’m the head of this house! Where is my white golf shirt! I told you to be ready by midday! You are useless! Go and make me a cup of tea! Carry the passports, we’re going on holiday!

He doesn’t like closed doors. He wants every door open within the house because he wants to hear any conversations or activities taking place. He wants to know we are not talking about him. He wants to be sure we are not plotting an Arab spring. He needs to know why we are laughing because every laugh is assumed to be about him. The reality though is we never laugh anyways, we no longer find anything funny.

I also hate closed doors. For reasons not the same as his. Closed doors remind me of the days I spend locked up by him as punishment. Closed doors remind me of the times he shuts the door to beat the living life out of me. Closed doors remind me of having to hide the kids in the pantry because their father has knives out ready to kill me. Closed doors make me think I have nowhere to go, yet I know that one day I shall walk free. Don’t close the door behind me!

When Men Cheat…

Homewrecker! What’s the first thing that comes to mind when you hear that word? It’s most likely that it describes a woman for most people. Why is it that when men cheat we find it easier to blame the “other” woman? Men have it easy right? He is married, goes out and approaches another woman, breaks his vows and everything else, but at the end of it all, no blame is on him. My country people will say “ndizvo zvinoita varume” (that’s how men behave). It’s also way easier to hate another woman than to hate the person you sleep next to right?

“Putting the blame on him makes you address uncomfortable questions, like ‘what if our marriage is a sham?’ ‘Maybe he’s not who I think he is?’ ‘Am I going to be alone the rest of my life?’” And, most of the time, if we’re lashing out at her, it’s because we plan to stay but need a place to put our anger, says psychologist Brandy Engler, Ph.D., author of The Men On My Couch. (And we know yelling at him will only jeopardize the relationship more.)

The worst part is knowing that men have mastered this about women. They know that even if he is caught red handed, his wife is likely to attack the other woman than him.

On the other hand, there is so much shame put on women when men cheat. Why is it women are made to feel like they are to blame for being cheated on? Women are made to feel as if it is their fault when relationships fail. In general, it seems that women are labeled as responsible for the quality of a relationship because they are seen as the upholders of them. Men’s cheating is covered up in society and families, (hanzi usafukura hapwa, ndiwe unonyara).

All this sounds so familiar as victim blaming is prevalent in many areas and cases. One is sexually assaulted and they are blamed because of what they were wearing, where the were, or how they played a role in luring the abuser. One is physically abused by their partner and they are blamed and asked what they did to make their partner angry. One is raped by their husband and they are blamed for denying him his conjugal rights in the first place. Victim blaming is an insidious form of abuse in and of itself.

 Here are some common statements that indicate that others are blaming you for the abuse and betrayal, according to Betrayal Trauma Recovery.

1. “How have you contributed to your husbands infidelity?”
2. “If you make yourself more available, he wouldn’t need to act out.”
3. “If you take care of yourself a little more, he would be more interested.”
4. “You need to be a safe person so he won’t lie to you.”
5. “You should just forgive him and move on.”
6. “How can you ever stay with him after this?”

It’s safe to say that when a man cheats, he does so on his own accord. His wife or girlfriend doesn’t ask or force him to stray, but when he does, the woman is usually looked at as the guilty party. People want to know what she did to make him cheat, instead of figuring out what changed in him to make him want to stray. And although this is far from fair, or the truth, it happens. Often, women are blamed for the choices that men make when they break the contract of fidelity in marriage. The blame usually centers around such reasons as the following: the women were not interested in providing enough sex for the man, the women were never interested in pursuing the man, the woman had become sexually boring, the woman had let herself go physically, the woman had lost interest in the husband in general, or that the woman had become hyper-focused upon children or other interests. In other words, women are accused of not having enough sex, not giving their partners enough attention, or spending too much time taking care of their children when their partner cheats.

Healthway

Re-Naming

So now that you have met yourself, what name would you give yourself? Would it be able to encompass all that you have become? Would it tell the story of all that you have un-become? What would your name describe, your best parts or the flaws? Would your name tell what you think about yourself or will it project what others think about you?

Now that I have met myself, I would name myself Murwi (Fighter) – I have fought many battles that no-one knows about and I have come out strong.

Now that I have met myself – I would name myself Zvivindi (Brave) – I have managed to achieve so much that was beyond my ability. I have stepped into places that I had no human right to have been and thrived.

Now that I have met myself – I would name myself Chandagwinyira (Stubborn) – because of the many things and person I have refused to be due to expectations or because I was told to. For knowing that I can achieve all that I have set my mind on.

Now that I have met myself – I would name myself Nyasha (Grace) – because this describes my life journey and many undeserved mercies in my life path.

Now that I have met myself I would name myself Muchero (Fruit) – just because I can. For no reason at all.

Now that you have met yourself, is everything that you are determined by your environment and your surroundings? Is all that you are shaped by what everyone else thinks about you and never about what your heart and mind wants or believes?

Would you name yourself after a tree, your favorite color, your favorite place or car? What’s your new name?

Credit for the thought provoking prompt – @catbeloved

Jill of all Trades, Master of (none) All

If you were in my class, I am pretty sure I would probe more questions than answers, I would provoke more conversation than teach. So here goes for this class today; I was going to say Jill of all trades and mistress of all, but knowing you, my students, (that you do not associate mistress with being a feminine of master) I will use master as a universal term. If we turn your books to page 15 you will see that it reads ‘The feminine word for master is “mistress “. … It’s “mistress”, but nobody really uses “mistress” to mean “a female expert”, “master” is used for both genders in that sense, in fact it usually refers to a woman in a relationship with a married man, who is not his wife.’ But we move along;

Class in Session…

I was told to choose one, I could only be this but not the other. In form 3 I made first team for both Basket Ball and Hockey, my coach told me to choose one. I had to put all my effort into one, but why couldn’t I be good at both? At some point it became about either focusing on academics or sports, then about focusing on a business or a career. We’re taught throughout our lives to pick something and specialize at it. Think of the classic “what do you want to be when you grow up?” question, as if you can only be one thing. Patrick Allan says specializing certainly has a multitude of undeniable benefits, but it’s not necessarily the only way to find success in life.

I have always wanted to be this and that at the same time, I wanted to make use of all the hours of my day doing not only one thing but all I heard was a Jack (Jill for that matter) of all trades is a master of none, but is that even true or right? I know there are some benefits that come from focusing on just one thing but it surely is possible to focus on different things that you are talented in, that you are passionate about and still be able to thrive at them all. Many people have had to give up on a talent and focus on another because they were told it was the only way they could become a master. It is only recently that I read about Deborah from the bible;

Women often get overlooked in the Old Testament, but Deborah is one spectacular exception. As a military leader, poet, prophet and judge, she used her talents to inspire Israel during a dark time. Deborah won her fame leading a desperate nation to victory. With Israel under the thumb of a cruel foreign ruler, she gave orders for Barak to lead a revolt. He refused to go unless brave Deborah would agree to accompany him into battle. With her giving the orders, Israel’s ten thousand troops routed a better-equipped enemy. Deborah’s triumph led to 40 years of peace. It is hard to think of an area in which Deborah did not excel. She was a mother and wife. Her wisdom was so renowned that people brought their disputes to her as she sat under a large palm tree, the Palm of Deborah. As a prophet, she had the ability to understand God’s message and relay it to his people. When she sent Barak into battle, she stated it this way; “The Lord, the God of Israel commands you…” (Judges 4:6). Finally, Deborah was an accomplished poet, as chapter 5 of Judges demonstrates. One of the oldest and most expressive poems in the Bible, it was sung as a duet by Barak and Deborah, but the words give Deborah proper credit (Judges 5:7). Throughout the Bible we can hardly find a more well-rounded leader, male or female, than Deborah.

Multi-talented women

So wait a minute, you can actually be a Jill of all trades and be a master of them all? James Liu suggests that you can not be a jack jill-of-all-trades without being a master of at least one. Perhaps it is social skill, doll making, mathematics, language, emotional awareness—you must be a master of at least one in order to be a jack Jill of many others.

If you take away nothing else from this class today, take this at least; Some of the benefits of being a Jill of all trades in this modern day society are;

1. You are adaptable
2. You learn how to learn
3. You fit well into leadership roles
4. You build more confidence in your life
5. Variety is the spice of life.

Homework

– In what areas could you develop your talents and passion to become more well-rounded?

– What talents have you had to let go of to make way for another or to only focus on one?

– Read more about the advantages and disadvantages of being a Jill of all trades here

Class dismissed – homework will be marked out of 50 points and is due in the next class!

Becoming…A Journey not a Destination

“All we can see are fibroids which we will have to remove sooner or later”. The doctor tried to explain this to my mother but she was convinced that she was carrying just more than a fibroid, and indeed she was. A miracle child she says, though she hoped this would not be her last and tried to escape the scheduled day for her c-section waiting a further 12 days in an attempt to have a natural birth but as fate had it, the operation still continued.

Born on Wednesday the 4th of May, 12 days later than the Estimated Day of Arrival (22 April) and named Tinashe (meaning God is with us) by her elder brother, the miracle of how she could have been ‘removed’ as a fibroid explains why she goes crazy with her birthday, starting an official countdown 100 days before.

They say the two most important days of your life are the day you are born and the day you discover why #profound. Whilst others may have their path laid out straight for them, finding herself took the longer route but once she did – living with purpose brought a whole new meaning to life.

From enrolling at a local university for a Network Engineering program, to dropping out and later enrolling for a Chemical Engineering program and dropping out again – talk about confusion right? Well, some called it that but she is grateful to her family that understood it as finding herself. From starting businesses, thriving at them, failing at them and then picking up again to going through a pit of depression and managing to pull out – her journey through the darkest stages is what has made her who she is today. She is still becoming, but the journey is now on a different path.

If someone 10 years ago had told Tinashe that she would be studying towards her master’s degree in 2020 in a foreign land on a fully funded scholarship that she earned by grace and merit, she would have laughed. If someone 10 years ago would have told Tinashe that she would not only be pursuing a career but one she actually enjoys waking up to and feels passionate about, even those around her would have laughed too. If someone 10 years ago would have told Tinashe as she lay in a dark room that there was light at the end of the tunnel, she surely wouldn’t have believed them.

Becoming…it is a journey and not a destination – this is not the end of her story but the goodness is that it has BEGUN!

Come Dine With (Me) You

“Fonera baba vako uvabvunze kuti vanoda kudya nei manheru.” (call your dad and ask him what he wants to have for supper).

This was a daily call that had to be made every day. By the time he came back from work the food had to be ready, regardless of days that I had stayed late at work, or days that I had to attend to school functions at one of the children’s schools. If I didn’t make the call myself, one of the children made it on our way home after the daily school run.

It was my birthday that week and my best friend asked me out to dinner to a local restaurant of my choice. I could pick depending on what exactly I liked to eat. What I liked to eat? I don’t even remember the last time that question had been directed at me. Did I even know what I enjoyed eating, I didn’t even remember what I liked to eat before. My whole eating pattern was determined by the children or my partner – it was easier that way. The family comes first right? My needs can come after that. Are my needs really important though?

source – multibhashi.com

The thought of picking a favorite place to eat took me way back, back to growing up in a family where as children we were never asked what we felt like having for dinner, you ate what was there and what had been made. On a bad day you may have been told to leave it if it wasn’t something you liked. On a normal day I would be forced to finish all that was on my plate regardless of if I enjoyed eating it or not. Choice was never in the vocab. I had moved from that into this; same script different cast.

source – netclipart.com

This goes deeper, a favorite movie, a favorite place, just a favorite. It is easy to loose yourself as a person when you begin putting others before yourself. You tend to loose what makes you, you. After I had thought long and hard about where to eat with my best friend for my birthday, I responded – “You can pick a place, I do not mind”.

We look for answers outside ourselves.
Some women usually feel like they have to get permission from Daddy. Or Mommy. Or the stand-ins for those folks, like our partners or our boss. We run to “Honey, should I do this thing?” versus “Honey, there is this amazing thing I am longing to do – can you help me figure out how?” We have absolutely no training in how to source ourselves and our nearest and dearest from the clarity of our desire. It is time for us to enroll others in support of what it is we want, and to teach everyone in our world to conspire with us. – Linda Edgecombe