Homewrecker! What’s the first thing that comes to mind when you hear that word? It’s most likely that it describes a woman for most people. Why is it that when men cheat we find it easier to blame the “other” woman? Men have it easy right? He is married, goes out and approaches another woman, breaks his vows and everything else, but at the end of it all, no blame is on him. My country people will say “ndizvo zvinoita varume” (that’s how men behave). It’s also way easier to hate another woman than to hate the person you sleep next to right?
“Putting the blame on him makes you address uncomfortable questions, like ‘what if our marriage is a sham?’ ‘Maybe he’s not who I think he is?’ ‘Am I going to be alone the rest of my life?’” And, most of the time, if we’re lashing out at her, it’s because we plan to stay but need a place to put our anger, says psychologist Brandy Engler, Ph.D., author of The Men On My Couch. (And we know yelling at him will only jeopardize the relationship more.)
The worst part is knowing that men have mastered this about women. They know that even if he is caught red handed, his wife is likely to attack the other woman than him.
On the other hand, there is so much shame put on women when men cheat. Why is it women are made to feel like they are to blame for being cheated on? Women are made to feel as if it is their fault when relationships fail. In general, it seems that women are labeled as responsible for the quality of a relationship because they are seen as the upholders of them. Men’s cheating is covered up in society and families, (hanzi usafukura hapwa, ndiwe unonyara).
All this sounds so familiar as victim blaming is prevalent in many areas and cases. One is sexually assaulted and they are blamed because of what they were wearing, where the were, or how they played a role in luring the abuser. One is physically abused by their partner and they are blamed and asked what they did to make their partner angry. One is raped by their husband and they are blamed for denying him his conjugal rights in the first place. Victim blaming is an insidious form of abuse in and of itself.
Here are some common statements that indicate that others are blaming you for the abuse and betrayal, according to Betrayal Trauma Recovery.
“How have you contributed to your husbands infidelity?”
“If you make yourself more available, he wouldn’t need to act out.”
“If you take care of yourself a little more, he would be more interested.”
“You need to be a safe person so he won’t lie to you.”
“You should just forgive him and move on.”
“How can you ever stay with him after this?”
It’s safe to say that when a man cheats, he does so on his own accord. His wife or girlfriend doesn’t ask or force him to stray, but when he does, the woman is usually looked at as the guilty party. People want to know what she did to make him cheat, instead of figuring out what changed in him to make him want to stray. And although this is far from fair, or the truth, it happens. Often, women are blamed for the choices that men make when they break the contract of fidelity in marriage. The blame usually centers around such reasons as the following: the women were not interested in providing enough sex for the man, the women were never interested in pursuing the man, the woman had become sexually boring, the woman had let herself go physically, the woman had lost interest in the husband in general, or that the woman had become hyper-focused upon children or other interests. In other words, women are accused of not having enough sex, not giving their partners enough attention, or spending too much time taking care of their children when their partner cheats.
I must have been 15years old, the day I forgot to wear my bra to school. I wasn’t young enough to need a reminder to wear my underwear, but I was old enough to totally forget it. It was during winter, so I was lucky enough to be able to wear my jersey all day. The only problem came when I had to attend basket ball practice without a bra – my small boobs saved the day and the shame.
I was 16 years old when I forgot to wear any roll-on to school. Again I wasn’t young enough to need a reminder to wear deodorant, but again, I was old enough to totally forget it. Again it was in the winter, so I was lucky enough to not be sweating all day. The problem came when I had to attend basket ball practice after a full day without roll on – at least my armpits were shaven and changing room talks allowed me to ask for some anti perspirant to save the shame.
I was 17 years old when I suffered my first heartbreak, my high school love. As you might have it, he decided to break up with me by showing up at a school function with someone else. Again it was in the winter, so I was lucky enough to be able to hide my tears behind a scarf. The problem came when I sat a few seats behind him and his new girlfriend through out the movie premier and watched as he did everything with her that he used to do with me – at least I had good friends that didn’t make fun of the situation and helped me through it.
I was 14 years old when I was touched inappropriately by a guy that I had just met that night. It was at a school function and he was a visiting student from another school. We were introduced by a friend and we seemed to get along. Later that night as we were sitting and talking he started running his hands up my skirt, then the other hand down my blouse. There were so many other people around us, but I didn’t even have the voice to scream. I never reported him either, I mean who would have believed me right. In that little skirt, I was asking for it right?
I am now way out of my teenage years and know even better that I should have not been ashamed of not having worn a bra that day. I am much older and I am glad I used my voice to ask my team mate for that deodorant. I’m not 14 any more and wish every girl and woman would know how to use their voice in uncomfortable and inappropriate situations…I know now that I should have reported that guy – someone would have listened and believed me. It’s not being touched inappropriately or fondling or groping – it’s sexual assault
Using euphemistic language downplays the severity of an offence and enforces a dangerous message: it isn’t a big deal, and victims won’t be taken seriously
Did you know?
Sometimes, the reason behind a reluctance to use accurate language is more compassionate than malicious – an attempt to avoid the reality of what happens to girls and women on a regular basis. It is easier to rely on euphemistic language, such as “groping” or “fondling”, than to talk about sexual assault. But that doesn’t help, because we inadvertently end up downgrading the severity of the offence, which, in turn, helps normalise it. It’s a trivialisation that leads to a culture where victims are doubted and/or blamed. Was it really sexual assault, or just a quick caress? Are you honestly going to make a fuss about a pat on the bottom?
It is a message so entrenched in society that the vast majority of women and girls are completely unaware that being touched on the breasts, grabbed between the legs or squeezed on the bottom, among other common experiences, could constitute sexual assault. Many girls come to see this behaviour as normal – expected even – and simply the price you pay for being a woman. This means not only that victims are much less likely to report what has happened (or feel able to complain in a workplace, nightclub or school setting), but also that perpetrators are unaware of the severity of committing such offences. – The Guardian
So now that you have met yourself, what name would you give yourself? Would it be able to encompass all that you have become? Would it tell the story of all that you have un-become? What would your name describe, your best parts or the flaws? Would your name tell what you think about yourself or will it project what others think about you?
Now that I have met myself, I would name myself Murwi (Fighter) – I have fought many battles that no-one knows about and I have come out strong.
Now that I have met myself – I would name myself Zvivindi (Brave) – I have managed to achieve so much that was beyond my ability. I have stepped into places that I had no human right to have been and thrived.
Now that I have met myself – I would name myself Chandagwinyira (Stubborn) – because of the many things and person I have refused to be due to expectations or because I was told to. For knowing that I can achieve all that I have set my mind on.
Now that I have met myself – I would name myself Nyasha (Grace) – because this describes my life journey and many undeserved mercies in my life path.
Now that I have met myself I would name myself Muchero (Fruit) – just because I can. For no reason at all.
Now that you have met yourself, is everything that you are determined by your environment and your surroundings? Is all that you are shaped by what everyone else thinks about you and never about what your heart and mind wants or believes?
Would you name yourself after a tree, your favorite color, your favorite place or car? What’s your new name?
Credit for the thought provoking prompt – @catbeloved
If you were in my class, I am pretty sure I would probe more questions than answers, I would provoke more conversation than teach. So here goes for this class today; I was going to say Jill of all trades and mistress of all, but knowing you, my students, (that you do not associate mistress with being a feminine of master) I will use master as a universal term. If we turn your books to page 15 you will see that it reads ‘The feminine word for master is “mistress “. … It’s “mistress”, but nobody really uses “mistress” to mean “a female expert”, “master” is used for both genders in that sense, in fact it usually refers to a woman in a relationship with a married man, who is not his wife.’ But we move along;
Class in Session…
I was told to choose one, I could only be this but not the other. In form 3 I made first team for both Basket Ball and Hockey, my coach told me to choose one. I had to put all my effort into one, but why couldn’t I be good at both? At some point it became about either focusing on academics or sports, then about focusing on a business or a career. We’re taught throughout our lives to pick something and specialize at it. Think of the classic “what do you want to be when you grow up?” question, as if you can only be one thing. Patrick Allan says specializing certainly has a multitude of undeniable benefits, but it’s not necessarily the only way to find success in life.
I have always wanted to be this and that at the same time, I wanted to make use of all the hours of my day doing not only one thing but all I heard was a Jack (Jill for that matter) of all trades is a master of none, but is that even true or right? I know there are some benefits that come from focusing on just one thing but it surely is possible to focus on different things that you are talented in, that you are passionate about and still be able to thrive at them all. Many people have had to give up on a talent and focus on another because they were told it was the only way they could become a master. It is only recently that I read about Deborah from the bible;
Women often get overlooked in the Old Testament, but Deborah is one spectacular exception. As a military leader, poet, prophet and judge, she used her talents to inspire Israel during a dark time. Deborah won her fame leading a desperate nation to victory. With Israel under the thumb of a cruel foreign ruler, she gave orders for Barak to lead a revolt. He refused to go unless brave Deborah would agree to accompany him into battle. With her giving the orders, Israel’s ten thousand troops routed a better-equipped enemy. Deborah’s triumph led to 40 years of peace. It is hard to think of an area in which Deborah did not excel. She was a mother and wife. Her wisdom was so renowned that people brought their disputes to her as she sat under a large palm tree, the Palm of Deborah. As a prophet, she had the ability to understand God’s message and relay it to his people. When she sent Barak into battle, she stated it this way; “The Lord, the God of Israel commands you…” (Judges 4:6). Finally, Deborah was an accomplished poet, as chapter 5 of Judges demonstrates. One of the oldest and most expressive poems in the Bible, it was sung as a duet by Barak and Deborah, but the words give Deborah proper credit (Judges 5:7). Throughout the Bible we can hardly find a more well-rounded leader, male or female, than Deborah.
So wait a minute, you can actually be a Jill of all trades and be a master of them all? James Liu suggests that you can not be a jack jill-of-all-trades without being a master of at least one. Perhaps it is social skill, doll making, mathematics, language, emotional awareness—you must be a master of at least one in order to be a jack Jill of many others.
If you take away nothing else from this class today, take this at least; Some of the benefits of being a Jill of all trades in this modern day society are;
You are adaptable
You learn how to learn
You fit well into leadership roles
You build more confidence in your life
Variety is the spice of life.
Homework
– In what areas could you develop your talents and passion to become more well-rounded?
– What talents have you had to let go of to make way for another or to only focus on one?
– Read more about the advantages and disadvantages of being a Jill of all trades here
Class dismissed – homework will be marked out of 50 points and is due in the next class!
“Fonera baba vako uvabvunze kuti vanoda kudya nei manheru.” (call your dad and ask him what he wants to have for supper).
This was a daily call that had to be made every day. By the time he came back from work the food had to be ready, regardless of days that I had stayed late at work, or days that I had to attend to school functions at one of the children’s schools. If I didn’t make the call myself, one of the children made it on our way home after the daily school run.
It was my birthday that week and my best friend asked me out to dinner to a local restaurant of my choice. I could pick depending on what exactly I liked to eat. What I liked to eat? I don’t even remember the last time that question had been directed at me. Did I even know what I enjoyed eating, I didn’t even remember what I liked to eat before. My whole eating pattern was determined by the children or my partner – it was easier that way. The family comes first right? My needs can come after that. Are my needs really important though?
The thought of picking a favorite place to eat took me way back, back to growing up in a family where as children we were never asked what we felt like having for dinner, you ate what was there and what had been made. On a bad day you may have been told to leave it if it wasn’t something you liked. On a normal day I would be forced to finish all that was on my plate regardless of if I enjoyed eating it or not. Choice was never in the vocab. I had moved from that into this; same script different cast.
This goes deeper, a favorite movie, a favorite place, just a favorite. It is easy to loose yourself as a person when you begin putting others before yourself. You tend to loose what makes you, you. After I had thought long and hard about where to eat with my best friend for my birthday, I responded – “You can pick a place, I do not mind”.
We look for answers outside ourselves. Some women usually feel like they have to get permission from Daddy. Or Mommy. Or the stand-ins for those folks, like our partners or our boss. We run to “Honey, should I do this thing?” versus “Honey, there is this amazing thing I am longing to do – can you help me figure out how?” We have absolutely no training in how to source ourselves and our nearest and dearest from the clarity of our desire. It is time for us to enroll others in support of what it is we want, and to teach everyone in our world to conspire with us. – Linda Edgecombe
Munhukadzi 