Homewrecker! What’s the first thing that comes to mind when you hear that word? It’s most likely that it describes a woman for most people. Why is it that when men cheat we find it easier to blame the “other” woman? Men have it easy right? He is married, goes out and approaches another woman, breaks his vows and everything else, but at the end of it all, no blame is on him. My country people will say “ndizvo zvinoita varume” (that’s how men behave). It’s also way easier to hate another woman than to hate the person you sleep next to right?
“Putting the blame on him makes you address uncomfortable questions, like ‘what if our marriage is a sham?’ ‘Maybe he’s not who I think he is?’ ‘Am I going to be alone the rest of my life?’” And, most of the time, if we’re lashing out at her, it’s because we plan to stay but need a place to put our anger, says psychologist Brandy Engler, Ph.D., author of The Men On My Couch. (And we know yelling at him will only jeopardize the relationship more.)
The worst part is knowing that men have mastered this about women. They know that even if he is caught red handed, his wife is likely to attack the other woman than him.
On the other hand, there is so much shame put on women when men cheat. Why is it women are made to feel like they are to blame for being cheated on? Women are made to feel as if it is their fault when relationships fail. In general, it seems that women are labeled as responsible for the quality of a relationship because they are seen as the upholders of them. Men’s cheating is covered up in society and families, (hanzi usafukura hapwa, ndiwe unonyara).
All this sounds so familiar as victim blaming is prevalent in many areas and cases. One is sexually assaulted and they are blamed because of what they were wearing, where the were, or how they played a role in luring the abuser. One is physically abused by their partner and they are blamed and asked what they did to make their partner angry. One is raped by their husband and they are blamed for denying him his conjugal rights in the first place. Victim blaming is an insidious form of abuse in and of itself.
Here are some common statements that indicate that others are blaming you for the abuse and betrayal, according to Betrayal Trauma Recovery.
“How have you contributed to your husbands infidelity?”
“If you make yourself more available, he wouldn’t need to act out.”
“If you take care of yourself a little more, he would be more interested.”
“You need to be a safe person so he won’t lie to you.”
“You should just forgive him and move on.”
“How can you ever stay with him after this?”
It’s safe to say that when a man cheats, he does so on his own accord. His wife or girlfriend doesn’t ask or force him to stray, but when he does, the woman is usually looked at as the guilty party. People want to know what she did to make him cheat, instead of figuring out what changed in him to make him want to stray. And although this is far from fair, or the truth, it happens. Often, women are blamed for the choices that men make when they break the contract of fidelity in marriage. The blame usually centers around such reasons as the following: the women were not interested in providing enough sex for the man, the women were never interested in pursuing the man, the woman had become sexually boring, the woman had let herself go physically, the woman had lost interest in the husband in general, or that the woman had become hyper-focused upon children or other interests. In other words, women are accused of not having enough sex, not giving their partners enough attention, or spending too much time taking care of their children when their partner cheats.
‘Ndotoshaya chandakaroorera’ (I ask my self why I married you)
‘Saka ndizvo zvamunoswera muchiita kana ndiri kubasa izvi?’ (So this is how you spend your day when I am at work?)
‘Waneta nekuenda kuchibhorani nekubika chete zuva rese?’ (You’re tired from going to the community borehole to fetch water and the cooking you did today only?).
These are some of the words I hear daily now. It’s hard to believe that this was someone that was once in love with me. There is always something that he complains about every day. When he can’t get his way to crush me mentally, he is sure to do it physically. I am also physically tired as added to taking care of the 3 children, he has become the fourth whilst he spends his time on the television or drinking alcohol whilst basking in the sun. This pandemic has not only brought anxiety of not being sure of what the future holds, but also a lot of pain and suffering from an abuser who I call a husband. Please do not ask me why I haven’t left…where will I go?
Did you know?
Victims of domestic violence are facing heightened risk during the Covid-19 crisis and some could be killed by violent partners.
Some women seeking to flee abusive and violent relationships since the pandemic began are now, in fact, being forced to spend more time with their abusers
India reported double the usual number of domestic abuse cases in the first week of nationwide movement restrictions, according to the country’s National Commission for Women.
Cases in France rose by a third in the week after the lockdown. While Australia reported a 75% increase in internet searches relating to support for domestic violence victims. (Source – RTE)
Add another public health crisis to the toll of the new coronavirus: Mounting data suggests that domestic abuse is acting like an opportunistic infection, flourishing in the conditions created by the pandemic.
Covid-19 has become the ‘perfect storm’ for violence. For many women, more time at home means more physical abuse from family members. For women who did not know they had married an abuser, the true picture is coming out now. For women who would find refuge with friends or family, now there is nowhere to go. For women that may have been ready to leave, now they have to endure another 21 days with the hope that they will make it out alive. Remind someone today that they do not have to wait it out, if they are unsafe, they can call for help and there are facilities available to assist women in need. Check on someone today.
Day 3, things you want to tell 5 different people. Hmmm, I will save my ex this one because a few days down from now along the challenge there is a letter waiting for you, lol.
I was listening to an old Bishop TD Jakes sermon titled ‘Let it go – Forgiveness‘ and he speaks on how forgiveness is a gift to self and also goes on to mention how most of us are still holding on to past hurts and applying them to our present relationships – not only love relationships but even work and friendships. So many of us may be afraid to invest in friendships because of how we were betrayed by a friend in the past. We can quickly dismiss friends that are trying to be close to us because we constantly remember how we were hurt before. It is okay to have your guard up, but failing to forgive is also what is leading to not wanting to build better relationships. This got me deliberately thinking of telling different people that I forgive them and what it is I forgive them for;
To my childhood friend; I was hurt when our relationship started drifting apart, there were times I expected you to be there for me but you were not and for so long I started expecting friends to not show up when I needed them to. I now understand that we grew apart, though letting it go was not easy.
To the stranger that groped me at a school dance; but how do you go around groping girls at a school dance though? You knew noone would believe me even if I reported it. I had already been made to believe that girls did not belong in that space right, so if things like this happened they deserved it. Well I did not deserve it, now I know that.
To my grade 6 teacher; For the longest time I carried that mark on my back from when you struck me across my back with your black stick – for whatever reason I still do not think that was justified. I met you when I was grown and working and it was at the point that I discovered that I was still holding on to the hurt from just how ‘mean’ you were as a teacher. You probably don’t remember it because it may just have been who you were as a person, but the scars remained for so long. I let it go.
To the not a friend that calls me friend; have you ever been ‘friends’ with someone whose actions just confirm that they may be your friend but you are definitely not your friend? You called me the other day and for the hour we spoke not once did you ask me how I was doing, it was all about you, it always is. The distance you may have been feeling lately, I am not that busy, I am just taking my space that I need.
Lastly, tables turned – To anyone I have wronged; I am not perfect either, as a friend, a workmate, a partner or in any relationship really and with that in mind I hope anyone reading this who I have offended (most times without knowing), I am sorry. To those I may have wronged knowingly, let’s talk about it (maybe I am not that sorry, ~laughs)
Side note – STOP GROPING GIRLS! just stop. Actually, let’s stop calling it groping, it’s sexual assault. Just stop it!
Grope /ɡrəʊp/ – fondle (someone) for sexual pleasure roughly or clumsily, or without the person’s consent
Being the eldest of my siblings, I had lived through the different stages, I had seen how the toxic relationship had grown and transformed, not for the better though, but it had become more toxic. I now knew the routine, I knew how it would go from a ‘simple’ argument to things being thrown around and eventually to a physical fight which usually led to one person leaving the house for the day and sometimes even for the night. The person who usually left was my dad and what was sad about him leaving was we also knew where he was going, and my greatest fear was that one day he would not return. I remember my cousin being sent into the house to get a glass of water when my parents were just starting an argument outside, I begged her not to take that glass of water outside because I knew the intention was for it to be used as a weapon when the argument got heated. There were steps, there was a routine. We knew it, we were getting used to it but we could also do nothing about it.
Image from depositphotos.com
My mother’s friends always asked her why she was staying yet my father was so abusive. He was not just physically abusive but verbally too and to an extent financially. My mother had given up her career to have children and to take care of us, to build a home and to make sure we could later build our own. Many times I felt guilty because it was as if she was staying because of us. What she was not aware of was that staying hurt us more than it did good, staying damaged us more than it built us. Staying may have seemed like a better choice for the sake of the children but to us it was simply the worst decision they both could have made. What also came as a surprise to me is even when a family meeting was called, no one ever questioned my dad for being abusive, because to me, he was the one with the problem and not my mother. But what did we know, we were just children. Actually, wait a minute, as a matter of fact, we did know something, we knew that the violence was extending to us. We also knew that we were getting into more fights at school, we found that violence was our response to most matters.
Image source – insufferablecunt.wordpress.com
Finally, one day she gathered the guts to leave, I was picked up from school and the route we took was not to the house I knew. She had finally moved out and took us with her as they were sorting out the details of the separation. I felt a load had been lifted, felt as if her freedom was mine, her happiness was mine. But something I never told her was;
Dear mama,
Thank you for leaving. Thank you for leaving a situation that made you unhappy. Thank you for leaving a situation that made you forget who you were. Thank you for leaving a situation that made us unhappy, although you do not realize it; it made us more unhappy to see you unhappy. Thank you for the strength you showed through the difficulties. Thank you for the strength you showed in leaving a situation that was not good for you or those around you. Now I know it is okay to leave, now I know that leaving was never a sign of weakness.
yours truly
xxxx
Did you know?
A child who is exposed to violence in the home also risks being abused and will, quite reasonably, fear for their own safety.
Evidence shows that men’s use of violence and controlling behaviour towards an intimate partner often extends to physically punishing their children as a means of discipline. Importantly, research is now revealing that women who experience violence at the hands of a partner are more likely to use physical punishment to discipline their children. This further drives the cycle of intergenerational violence.
The impact of experiencing or witnessing violence as a child has wide-ranging and long lasting effects. When a child experiences violence at home, they learn to tolerate violence. They are also at an increased risk of suffering from poor mental health, engaging in drug and alcohol abuse and risky sexual behaviours, and contracting HIV. They are also more at risk of behavioural problems such as aggression, delinquency and poor social functioning.
Growing up in violent households affects a child’s sense of security, self worth and how they relate to other children.
children who have experienced violence are more likely to lack empathy towards others. That means they’re more likely to perpetrate violence. It is this aspect of exposure to violence that drives its intergenerational transmission. This has a direct impact on their relationships with intimate partners, as well as their ability to be emotionally responsive parents. (Source – The Conversation)
Munhukadzi 