Waiting for Rejection

Why We May Hold On When Love Fades

Scrolling through social media and radio waves lately, I’ve been struck by a chorus of voices from women trapped in loveless relationships. They see the red flags waving, feel the disconnect in their own bones, yet they wait – for the final word, the official break-up, the push that sets them free.

I confess, this resonates with me. I, too, clung to a relationship beyond its expiry date, a prisoner of unspoken goodbyes. It’s tempting to write it off as a collective case of amnesia, where the signs become mere circus acts instead of urgent sirens. But it’s deeper, more nuanced than that.

Perhaps it’s the cultural echo of the “damsel in distress,” waiting for Prince Charming to break the spell. We learn, often subtly, that initiating action, especially in love, is a misstep. We toss hints like breadcrumbs instead of boldly claiming our desires. This unspoken rule has led many women to sit and wait for the decision to be made on their behalf – usually by patriarchy. If the man doesn’t take the first step to tell you to leave, then maybe hopefully waiting for your brothers/father to come and “rescue” you.

But it’s not just societal scripts. Sometimes, fear paints the exit door with invisible chains. Fear of judgment, of loneliness, of losing the familiar, even the fear of hurting the other person (a burden we often shoulder disproportionately). We cling to the wreckage, hoping against hope that maybe, just maybe, things will miraculously right themselves.

Then there’s love, that elusive, potent force. Letting go of someone you once loved, even if the love has morphed into resentment or apathy, is excruciating. We hold onto memories, promises, and the flicker of hope that rekindling the flame is possible.

There’s no one-size-fits-all answer. Each woman’s story is a tapestry woven with unique threads of cultural expectations, personal anxieties, and the complex tapestry of love and loss. But by starting this conversation, by sharing our vulnerabilities and exploring the tangled knot of reasons why we stay, we begin to unravel the silence and empower ourselves to claim the narratives of our own hearts.

This is just an invitation to delve deeper into this multifaceted issue. Let’s share our experiences. I only have questions, no answers!

Not my Monkey, Not my Circus

You don’t have to engage with all the content available on social media. Sometimes it’s okay to just let it pass. And other times it is okay to ask to continue the same conversation over the phone or at least in person…there is so much to be misunderstood via social media and if you encounter this, it may have an impact of your relationships. What you feed your soul isn’t only what you eat, but what you read and what you see and what you engage in; be watchful of what you decide to feed your soul.

During the second week of the lock down I just got up and deleted my social media Apps – I needed the break, The constant bad news, a clicking counter of deaths around the world, conspiracy theories, added to some more bad news – the whole combination was giving me literal anxiety attacks and a mild mix of depression. The detox for the few days made such a great difference and even when I reloaded the Apps, I was managing to limit my time on social media and this has had a great impact on my sanity. Second lesson from social media for me is; it’s okay to take time away which is closely linked to having learnt that too much social media is not good for anyone, well at least not me.

Thirdly, social media has taught me to stay in my lane. There is so much pressure on social media, so much so that if you fail to stay true to yourself you will put enough the pressure for yourself in wanting to achieve what someone else has. One of the biggest lessons has been to stay true to yourself.

Lastly, the realization that social media is toxic may assist in the way that one approaches it. Zimbabwe social media for example has become more and more toxic. There is a lot of hate going around and depending on the ‘streets’ you hang around, and it has often led to unwarranted abuse of women. So do you reinstate the common patriarchal stereotype that ‘women should only speak when spoken to’ in a way to avoid the online violence against women? But regardless of women’s silence on social media, they’re still subjected to verbal violence and threats, some that they often fear will not only end in the DM which then restricts their movement and increases their fear even when going around.

Bonus lesson/approach – Parts of the poem by Rudyard Kipling’s titled ‘IF’ generally summarizes the lessons from social media and a some what best approach to social media for me;

If you can keep your head when all about you   
    Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,   
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
    But make allowance for their doubting too;   
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
    Or being lied about, don’t deal in lies,
Or being hated, don’t give way to hating,
    And yet don’t look too good, nor talk too wise:

If you can dream—and not make dreams your master;   
    If you can think—and not make thoughts your aim;   
If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
    And treat those two impostors just the same;   
If you can bear to hear the truth you’ve spoken
    Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,
    And stoop and build ’em up with worn-out tools:

If you can make one heap of all your winnings
    And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
    And never breathe a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
    To serve your turn long after they are gone,   
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
    Except the Will which says to them: ‘Hold on!’

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,   
    Or walk with Kings—nor lose the common touch,
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you,
    If all men count with you, but none too much;
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
    With sixty seconds’ worth of distance run,   
Yours is the Earth and everything that’s in it,   
    And—which is more—you’ll be a Man, my son!

Ndingati uri munhu (pa social media) mwanangu…